Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Become ungovernable.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.