[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.