“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I need this for my side hustle.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.