My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom