Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
You Might Also Like
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
🙂🐾