Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
my astrological sign is a french fry
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
This was a bad idea all around
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.