This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
It be like that sometimes 😆
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.