My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.