[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don鈥檛 get it.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Choose your fighter
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I hope this email punches you square in the face
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I have never related to a cat more
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 馃槈
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I鈥檓 fairly confident I could live in a desert, I鈥檝e gone years without drinking water.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this