Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
All excellent questions
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ