Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july