*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.