INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Not today
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.