*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house