[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous