If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
You Might Also Like
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me