I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”