My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Doggies just call it style.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song