then why did i get this email
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.