In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Feel. He’s so soft.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.