That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.