I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich