I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.