Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Are these grass-fed oranges?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory