This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Catering service
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
couldn’t resist
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..