[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
You Might Also Like
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.