What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Saw your ex at the shops
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me