[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
accurate
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.