It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My brain is a bad influence on me
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh