[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s