I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.