Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids