Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Things will get butter, keep churning
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.