You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years