Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Love this guy
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.