Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Pat is about to own someone
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
lmao
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.