My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.