i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Squirrels before girls.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Our lord and savoury.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries