Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things