Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
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Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.