When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
this is funnier than any friends episode
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
When your man makes a valid point
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day