Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.