noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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meow
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Matt Goss
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.