Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.