Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
When you don’t understand how floors work