I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
black phone good
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me trying to look natural in photos
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.