being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
They’re called werewolves.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.