You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.