paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words