Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
my dog when i have a friend over
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Always the camel, never the toe.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though